A letter to myself:
“To be honest, Mom, you haven’t ‘homeschooled’ us since Sophomore year.” Those words drilled straight into the ‘devoted’ chamber of my heart. Exacerbated by doubts that, over the last few years, have emptied the lifeblood of commitment to educating our kids for the last twenty some odd years, his words were ‘true’. His opinion, a seventeen year old with no forethought about the earthquake that statement might heave, rippled aftershocks for days. But it was a revealing moment. It sparked a flood like that of Niagara Falls. He had no clue how his words sliced open and exposed every insecurity tightly hidden for over two decades.
Had it all been a waste of time? Or did the enemy of my soul have an agenda, hitting my self-worth and attacking the ONE area I was weakest. He’s a sly devil.
In all those years of homeschooling, not one mom, devoted to educating her children, ever sat down with me and talked candidly about how it felt when it was all over. So, in an effort to work through my own grief, I have to share. These aren’t easy things to write about or read because the world and other Christians want to paint a picture of ‘the perfect homeschool family’. It doesn’t exist.
The truth is, my role in their education was to SHOW them how to learn and to point them towards God. I did that with everything in me. Then the time came to turn it over to them; that part I may not have done too well; no, I did poorly. But, even still, shock waves still reverberating in my soul, the report cards are in; grace has won and even with all my ‘cracked pot’ plans and ideals, God is bigger and loves them more than I do. They are His; He will never disappoint them, none of them.
No one tells homeschool moms that:
#1: When all is said and done, there’s a very good chance there will be, not might be, gaps in your kid’s education. (Nugget: Everyone has holes in their learning.)
Oh yeah, they tell you to “have them tested to be sure you are teaching them everything.” But what about the things that aren’t in textbooks that no one intentionally taught you, the teacher, so the chances of passing on the information never even enters your brain…and I get that the ‘standard for learning’ is skewed by subjective rules, but there are things that will torment and keep us stuck for a LONG time if they aren’t learned and practiced. I’m only going to share one ‘gap’ so as not to bore you.
One biggie is boundaries. This one area probably trips just about everybody, unless you’re related to Henry Cloud! Even though our heart’s desire is to be THE very best we can as a teacher, mom, mentor, coach, cheerleader, cook, chauffeur, and so on, if boundaries have never been established in one’s own life, that gap will be taught/caught but it won’t be a class you’ll want to take ownership of teaching.
And yet, is that a reason NOT to educate one’s children? I don’t think so. Every one of us is on a journey and having your kiddos along for the ride is a way to impart truth, our values and discover your children’s gifts, supporting them on their own adventure. But I would admit that the idea of trying different avenues along the way may not have been a bad thing at all. One MUST be open to change. Because I’m on the other side of the fence now, it’s easier to see the places I should have had boundaries in place that would have served us better and made for much more enjoyable field trips.
#2: If homeschooling is ALL YOU DO and your children are your life, when it’s over and they’ve graduated, you will awaken one morning with a sense of grief and loss comparable to your mom going to sleep in the next room and not waking in the morning. Forever gone and so many things you wish you’d have said or done.
Realistically, we cannot find our value and worth in our work, including whether or not our kids appreciate our investment. We chose to homeschool because of love. The days we feel like we are failing are the very days we are right where we need to be, learning how to rely on His strength and not our own knowledge or abilities. Our lives are for the pleasure of God, in relationship with Him to fulfill His plans. Educating our kids is only one avenue He uses to stretch, refine and pour into us so when it’s completed, we springboard into the next season of our lives. Because of the experience we gain as we practice leading our babies to adulthood, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, we come to a place of confidence that propels us to invest in those He sends our way…even with our flaws, lack of boundaries or hormonal imbalances. I read today that broken crayons still color!
#3: It’s ok to grieve the ending of a very long career because another one is just around the corner. We began homeschooling back in 1993 with our older two boys in KY, a fifth and third grader, then we moved to a NY farm in 1994 and all three were home with me, the oldest turning thirteen, until the twins were born in ’98. There were many changes as we adapted to life with two babies, but our middle son always stayed home, helping me and doing his work. When the twins were three, I knew God wanted me to keep them home, teaching them from Kindergarten, new territory for me.
But like Buffalo snow in winter, the years of ‘doing school’ fell furious and cold against the window of my soul, always tormenting me with doubts about not being smart enough, having no discipline and no college degree to speak of…only a cosmetologist’s license. But I didn’t give up…I just cried out for Him and He was faithful. 
We moved to Adkins, TX in 2006 and my son gave me a Sony Point and Shoot and then the fun really started. I began my first blog, ‘Sunrise Cogitations’ and shared our life with photos. What began as a way to express
myself separate from English, History and Math class has turned into a desire to affect the world with hope and beauty.
In May, we celebrated our twin’s high school graduation with a luncheon our church hosted for all the seniors. This was it. I’d graduated, as well. And even though I question a lot of things about this past year, I don’t question my heart towards my children or our love for them. They have been given tools, gifts, talents and the Truth. They may not realize how equipped they are, but God does and they are His.
Mama, there may not be any financial compensation to speak of as the career of teacher ends, but the rewards of a job well done (I never gave up) are worth celebrating when all tears have passed. It’s over and you have accomplished a great feat. You educated your own children to the best of your ability and God sings over you! This is my song and I invite you to join me as I celebrate the end of a very rewarding and challenging career.
..and what does all this have to do with photography anyway? Good question. Along the way, I discovered I had an eye for the camera and seeing the world through a lens, capturing God’s handiwork has given me hope that all the years I spent tucked away at home were for NOW. Those years were preparation, developing persistence, discipline, patience and confidence in the God who knows where He wants me, bringing a fragrance of beauty to those who don’t see just yet how amazing their own lives are.
Homeschooling may be finished, but there are always things to learn, people to teach, books to read and adventurous field trips to take!
Until next time, drop me a note, share your own story or share this with someone who may need a word of encouragement. Thank you, friend, for walking with me as I grieve and celebrate this season.
Daune