“Sh##$#*t, I never wrote a book.”  

Doesn’t everyone think that right after being told they’ve just had a heart attack and they believe they’re going to die?  Probably not, but I did.

Another thought crossed my mind, perhaps simultaneously. My family is going to be very sad if I pass away. I don’t think it’s because I believe I am that great, but rather how my passing will create sorrow in their heart that should not be there.  At least not yet.

Either way, priorities rise to the surface when death is knocking on one’s door! Obviously, writing a book must be pretty important to me.

Well, it’s been a week now since the ‘Great Event’ took place and my life is very slowly settling back into a new routine.  Not necessarily one that I’m happy with either.

Up to last Wednesday, I was in full swing of getting the house ready to put on the market.  I’d been sanding, painting, landscaping, hauling, cleaning, scrubbing, and most of it by myself.  We were set to take all the ‘junk’ in the yard to the dump on Saturday, then pick up a truckload of mulch for the front. One step closer to being DONE!

But  NO!  Life was about to halt. And the strength of that cataclysmic crash has been like none I’ve ever known.  Imagine driving in fourth gear, headed down the highway when the passenger hits the brake and you fly through the front window, end up on the side of that highway, bleeding with glass in your bra. That’s pretty much how I have felt emotionally.

The kind of heart attack I experienced is called S.C.A.D. The long and short of SCAD is that it affects healthy women in their forties and fifties. I fit into both categories, though I just turned fifty-nine in April, and honestly, I need to shed about thirty lbs. in my estimation to be in ‘great health.’  After talking to several cardiologists in the hospital, they really do not know why this happens and have, as one cardiologist stated to me, “postulated” about the reasons.  There may be some contributing factors, but there are no definite reasons and though I look back over the last three weeks and I can say that, yes, I have overdone it, I am relieved that I didn’t cause it!

I won’t bore anyone with the details of the experience because there are too many.  But, I do want to share a few things.

• There was a 60% blockage in a ‘tributary’ of one of the vessels in my heart that made a downward tear away from my heart, rather than upwards. That was good news.

• I did not need a stint!  That was very good news.

• Though there is a possibility that this might occur again, I am taking medications to help prevent it. (This is very challenging for me since I loathe taking pills, but my Love reminded me that it’s not about me anyway!)

• The tear will heal on its own over time.

• The spiritual lessons I’m taking away from this experience have eternal weight.

• God made His Presence known to me the entire time, even when I had several meltdowns from NOT KNOWING what was going to happen.

• It’s not time to panic, even when you hear the words, “CODE HEART” and ten people are all standing around your bed staring at you and a nurse is running around pulling wires from your chest!

• Telling that nurse, “You look stressed, should I be?” won’t get you the answer you want!

• My life matters.  It’s not that I believed it doesn’t; It just became very obvious by the reactions of my children and friends.

• I have many questions as I go forward about my spiritual heart, what is most important for me going forward, etc.

• My best friend, my Love, was with me the entire time and has taken such great care of me.

• Nothing I went through will be wasted.

• I decided on Wednesday to put an end to the fear that was keeping me from experiencing joy.

If this past year has taught me anything about fear, it’s that it is like a relentless beast that doesn’t back down very easily.  It has to be defeated with truth and authority. And, yes, it can be defeated. But not without a fight.  When you stare at death or fear, pain, or suffering in the face,  you have two choices:  submit to it or rebel against it.  I’ve always been one who tends to lean towards the latter and thankfully, it is a good thing that I did not submit to the fear that wanted to rob me of my life, even if that fear was not about death but rather just being afraid to live because ‘what if it happened again?’ or ‘what if I did something and caused this to start all over again?’  What if’s are never the way of Faith nor solid ground to stand on when everything you believe is being tested.  Fear will paralyze your life and cuddle up in bed with you, which is what was beginning to happen by Tuesday night;  a very real sense of dread attempted to wash over me so that I just lost hope.

As Wednesday morning began,  I was feeling pretty beat up spiritually.  After days of laying in bed being told to rest, the possibility that I wouldn’t be able to do all I want to physically, and thinking that God was being silent, I realized I had to decide to begin making declarations about whose I am, who I am and what I will not tolerate.  I had my Pandora on, playing worship music and one song made me think about my death.  I liked the song and sent it to my Love, my daughter, and my sister for the time when I would rest in peace.  My sister immediately wrote back saying she was NOT planning my funeral that day!  But then the next song came on as I got in the shower. The lyrics hit my heart like lightning during a storm:  Resurrection in my veins!   I immediately began to sing as loud as I could. Self-pity fled in terror.

“But know that the Lord has set apart the godly man for Himself;  The Lord hears when I call to Him.Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, And trust in the Lord.”  ~Psalms 4:3-5

These verses spoke so clearly to me that by the time I heard that song in the shower, I knew I had victory over my emotions and my thoughts.

God is on my side!