“Check yoself before you wreck yoself’! Now, say that  with a slight twang in your voice and you’ll get a sense of how I’m feeling right about now.

I’m getting this out before my Love comes home. I want to do it now so that when he comes home and we talk, I will have saved my marriage and not spewed poison all over him with hurtful words.

We must address an issue that happened last night.

It shouldn’t surprise me that my arch nemesis, Satan, wants to stir something up the week before I begin a month-long group on intimacy in marriage.

Ya know, he will use whatever ammunition we give him: tiredness, hunger, maybe a busy schedule.  He doesn’t give a hoot what you hand him. He’ll take it and jerk you around as long as you let him.

So, in order to stop a fight  before it begins, there are only a few things you need to do. (I am certain there are probably many more things I’m leaving out, but for the sake of getting this finished, these are the ones that are standing out to me.)

First, Tell yourself, out loud, ‘My husband is not my enemy.” ( Eph. 6:12) You may need to say this over and over until you believe it to be true.   

Now, there may be a chance he’s being used by the enemy if he is behaving selfishly or acting inconsiderate or whatever, but that’s not your deal or mine.  That’s God’s.  By hearing your own voice declare the truth that you have ONE enemy and it isn’t the love of your life, you can choose to move past the emotions that can and will drive you to say things you will only have to apologize for later.  Trust me.  I used to own the company that made those dumb T-shirts!

Second, think about what is at the root of the anger you feel.  This is crucial because when you take a second to get to the root of things, you may find that YOU are in  need of an adjustment almost as much as you think he is!   Remember:  anger is the manifestation of something deeper.  Yet, going deeper is not easy, especially when you are in the throes of hurt feelings.  This step requires an attitude of the heart that says, “I am in this for the long haul, so God, please show me MY heart.”

Third, recognize the world is NOT ending, nor should your love or life because things did not go your way.

As Henry Cloud puts it:

When something significant happens, our emotional state can change. And when we keep our eyes on the “little picture” – the right now – our emotions can change in a negative way.

When we go into overload, the part of the brain that kicks in to protect us puts us into a state of “flight or fight.” We want to react, push against, or get away. We feel angry, fearful, aggressive, anxious, or consumed with self-loathing. When we or someone we know feels like this, we see that emotions overtake judgment, motivation, and every other aspect of functioning.

For example, if a spouse has a midlife crisis and leaves his wife, she feels hurt. Emotionally, she might see the external event as “personal,” making emotional conclusions about herself. In her emotional state, she interprets her husband’s leaving as meaning that “he left because there is something wrong with me. I am not attractive enough, attentive enough, exciting enough” or some other “enough.” She sees his leaving as a lack on her part, not a problem on his end.

Her emotional reaction then becomes “pervasive.” She feels, “Not only does my husband think I am not good enough, people at work feel the same way too, and so do my social circles. Really, I am not good enough anywhere. I am a loser all around.” It goes “all bad” in her mind.

Third, it goes “permanent.” She feels like “it will always be this way.” The future looks bleak and hope goes away. By this point, she is losing energy, getting depressed, feeling anxious, and is going down for the count. She might get impulsive and act out in some way that will not help anything, or she might just throw in the towel and retreat. Either way, the event has colored everything about her emotional state.

All she can see is what is going on in the present, and it becomes her whole life. It is everything. She might even feel that she has nothing to live for anymore. (Italics and bold are mine

But if she can step back and see the big picture, her feelings begin to change. She sees more than this one scene of the movie of her life. Her life is bigger than this one tragedy. As she slowly regains the big picture, she begins to feel that perhaps there is hope for her – and a future. And as her feelings change, she is able to change her actions, too.

 

Let me share my ‘beef’ with the sweetest, most kind-hearted, hard-working man on the planet.   I have been feeling extremely under the weather for the last four days and last night I had chills, fever and well, it was miserable.  I was in bed, sweating and sleeping, and after calling (well, actually whistling because I was too weak to call or text) for his help a few too many times, I believe he got annoyed.  (Remember, we haven’t discussed this yet, so that might just be my perception!)

There’s no point in going any further with the scenario except to say that I ended up  going to sleep hurt.

He will be home soon and I need to put the bacon on, so stay tuned for part 2 of “How to Stop A Fight Before It Starts.”