Let me set the stage:
I hit the ‘Publish’ button on my post as he pulls in the driveway.
I take a deep breath, knowing my attitude will determine whether his guard goes up or we have a great evening. I don’t know if he’s thought about last night at all today so he could be waiting for me to make the first move. (We all know that somehow they know something is up by our body language, right?!?)
I gave myself a haircut today in celebration of feeling like a human again and to declare I am HEALED! I look great and I feel great, plus the smell of bacon is wafting out the front door as I stand there, grinning at him as he sits in his Escape listening to Jay Sukalow with the ACLJ.
Stage set, on to the conversation! The BLT’S were delicious, a welcome change for me from chicken noodle soup for the last two days or chili for him. I know, weird, right? But he made chili on Monday and I wasn’t feeling it from Tuesday on so I made soup. Forgive me, I digress.
As we’ve done for years, we shared our highlight for the day and then I said, “Well, there is something I’d like to talk about. Last night.” I shared my side, he shared his and we were able to talk civilly because no one was pointing fingers. There was no, “YOU ALWAYS, YOU NEVER.”
Truth is, I didn’t feel loved and he didn’t feel respected. It’s that cycle of communication that couples must grow in or the fighting will continue with no real resolution. Was I honestly trying to disrespect him by ‘demanding’ he take care of me? Was he really annoyed or just concentrating on paying the bills when I asked him to feed me and he quipped, “Do you have to eat at this very moment?”
If this were just a ‘movie clip’ as Henry Cloud writes here, then this scene doesn’t determine Jef’s true love for me. He’d been taking good care of me for the last three days: bringing me tea, praying for me while I was asleep, holding my arm and guiding me to the bathroom (yes, I was THAT weak), rubbing Vicks on my chest, and yes, taking care of my chickens for me! The man loves me!!!
So, to help stop a fight before it starts, remember:
You’re on the same team. Thirty-five years of walking this journey together has taught us that being on the same team doesn’t mean we will always see eye to eye about everything. A disagreement doesn’t mean the marriage is bad nor does it mean that being RIGHT is what’s most important. We both lose if we choose to be stubborn, unrepentant and selfish.
Newsflash insert here: who cares which one of you ADMITS YOU WERE WRONG FIRST? I used to think it was unfair that I was always the one admitting I was wrong (my perception) and maybe cuz I WAS! Remembering in the heat of the moment that I don’t wrestle with flesh and blood only goes as far as the depth of my own humility. Chew on that one a minute!
The funny thing was, my sweet man didn’t even remember the spat when I brought it up. Ha!
Sometimes the enemy sets us up! He throws darts straight at our insecure, vulnerable heart because he knows we will react rather than respond.
Asking for clarity, communication and more communication are sure ways to dismantle a potential argument. Ask questions, believe the best, and listen twice as much as you talk. Listening is difficult to do if we are thinking about our rebuttal when our spouse is talking. We’re not really listening, but rather we are in defense mode and if we need to defend ourselves, we’ve left God out of this dialogue.
Finally, believe your husband really does love you, even if his love is shallow, immature or ignorant in some areas.
Marriage is a journey, a marathon towards godliness.
Extending grace to my man helps me because I need grace and the Word says I reap what I sow.
Until next time…